There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
