2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize