How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
