Apparently you make a good broom.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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