Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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