so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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