at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
