apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
