My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
