I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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