we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
