Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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