I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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