yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize