just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize