Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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