i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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