I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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