Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
