he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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