Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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