Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
