Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
my nose is crying tears of wow.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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