I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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