I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm gonna fight the coyote
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
