If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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