I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
