He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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