cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
