i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
