i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
