my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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