Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Last time i carry you out of a forest
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
