listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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