I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
