just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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