Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
