1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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