yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
