I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
it's like heaven, but drunker
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
