Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
