I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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