Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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