He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize