I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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