Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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