I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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