I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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