ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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