mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
