I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize