That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
