I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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