im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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