If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize