How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Life is so much better after having sex.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
