you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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