Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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