Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
