so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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