Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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