Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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