So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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