Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
