They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
