i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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