Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
