it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
