dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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