pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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