speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I supernannyed him into submission
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
