it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize