Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
