I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
