Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
