I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
