He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
