Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she pinky promised me she was 18
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
