mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
