Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
